ideally..or realistically?

sigh...

cant help it but feel life is getting too complicated while humans are getting too simplistic..

i feel i have changed quite abit..now that i look back..i was really quite simple and innocent in the past..even just yesterday..

have i succumbed to reality? or have i just seen and experienced too much and grew too 'wise' for my own liking...

somehow..i prefer the me 1-2yrs ago...so many things, that i would do then..no longer even pass my thoughts now..i have turned...soooooooo 'practical' in a way i myself dont even like...

向命运低头？ or 向现实低头？

i am starting to dislike myself...the me now that tries to siam all unnecessary work...no longer the same old helpful me...no longer the me that even i myself respect (自恋..lolx) sometimes.

so what if i really get 6A+ this sem...so what if i really have more time to play my keyboard, learn my malay well and more free time to play game? i wonder...will i really be happier that way?

then again..doing so much other stuff...is anyone else really better off from all the time and effort that i am putting in? is anyone even really appreciating, even if they dun say it out? i wonder...

but at least back then i din really feel the 'cognitive dissonance' when i was putting all my time doing things i promised to do..and sticking with my principles...

my mind seems to be deviating from my soul...my passion, my ideals, my drive, my dedication, the me yesterday, the me one yr ago, the me two yrs ago...where are you??

sometimes i already feel i have all i can achieve already..so what more am i expecting?

where are my realistic ideals and my ideal reality?

sighx...